Dirty Anatomy
by Stfu
Summary: "Give me your hand." He subtly moves further away from her. "Neji, come back here and give it to me!" she shrieks, crawling on all fours toward the escaping male. /drabblecollection/ Twenty chapters, twenty body parts. Think you can handle it?
1. I

Disclaimer: Stfu owns nothing.

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><p>On a particular Saturday evening, in a convenience store, there's uncertainty, companionship, and a pair of chapped lips.<p>

"Ne, Neji, which one's better?" She outstretches both arms, revealing in each hand a tube of lip balm. "Rose & Almond Vaseline or Vanilla Mint ChapStick?"

"The first one."

Her eyes brighten. "That one smells lovely." Her eyes dim. "…But I feel that it doesn't have enough of a rich, creamy flagrance as the other one…"

"Oh." He blinks. "Then get the second one."

"Yes, the vanilla scent is simply _marvelous_." Tenten sniffs it once more. "But…then again, so is the Rose & Almond one…"

"Oh." He thinks. "Then get both."

"I can't." She wrinkles her nose in light discontent. "I'm on a tight budget." A sigh escapes her parched lips as the indecisiveness continues.

"Get the cheaper of the two."

"Oh. Right." Tenten smiles and checks the prices. A quiet second passes. "Neji…" A deep sigh. "They're both 500 yen."

"Oh." He blinks and thinks. "I'll buy them for you." A pale hand moves to his pocket.

"Eh?" Another hand stops it. "No, Neji, you don't have to do that."

"I know." He continues to search through his pockets. "But I want to."

She purses her lips with mild disagreement, but waits nevertheless.

"…" Neji grunts. "I forgot to bring my wallet."

"Ah, it's alright." A sheepish grin graces her features. "Just help me pick one." Tenten holds the two cylinders before him again. "That'll be enough."

He scrutinizes both flavors for a moment, while his partner watches with full anticipation. "Then, the one with almonds."

"Why?"

"Huh?" Neji meets her eager gaze with perplexity. "What do you mean?"

"Why are the almonds better?"

"Because…" Though a bit irked, he pauses to search for a viable reason. "Almonds are edible."

"But so is vanilla," Tenten retorts with zero hesitation.

"…Indeed." He can feel his patience withering. "But almonds taste better."

"Really," she asks flatly.

Patience, Neji, patience. "Certainly."

She persists. "I personally think—"

"Tenten," he interrupts curtly. "Almonds are better."

Her eyebrows furrow at the sudden shift in tone. "But vanilla—"

"Almonds are better."

Tenten frowns. "Prove it."

"What?"

"Prove that they're better."

A wire of annoyance traces across his features. "Forget it." His jaw tightens. "Just pick whichever one you like most."

Her composure is dissolving as well. "But I don't _know_ which one I like most, Neji, which explains why I bothered to _ask_ for your opinion in the first place."

"…"

"And also, whether or not the flavor's contents are edible is _completely_ irrelevant to the actual application of the product." She rests her clenched hands on her hips defiantly.

He exhales tiredly. "Tenten…"

"Moreover, the fact that we're even _here _in this gaudy grooming aisle is essentially _your_ faul_t, Neji._ Thanks to your sick obsession with endless hours of training and absolute disregard of something important known as _thirst_, I'm dying from dehydration half of the time."

"Tenten—"

"And _because_ of this lack of water, my lips are now incredibly dry, and therefore require a lip healing ointment that provides the _best_ relief and feeling—"

"_Tenten_."

"_Neji_,_" _she counters readily, "I'd like to point out that my lips are feeling _far_ from okay right now. In fact, they're on the verge of cracking—bleeding even! The feeling's beyond uncomfortable and not to mention, downright unattractive! So if you could just _help_…"

Her voice trails off when, much to her surprise, Neji growls with heavy displeasure, snatches the products from her hands, and returns them violently to their respective spots on the aisle's shelves. "You don't need either one." With that said, he drags her out of the store.

"Neji, what are you _doing_?" she hisses with a scowl, pulling her arm back with stubborn resistance. "Let _go_ of me."

"No. I'm_ helping_."

"You're _not._"

"I _am._"

"Well, do you see my lips getting any _better_? Let _go_—"

An unreadable expression unravels upon Neji's face, and he whips around to face her. "Would you like for me to show you?"

Tenten freezes. "What?"

Without warning, Neji snakes his right arm around her waist, pulls her body into his, and brings a hand toward her astonished, bewildered face. "I can prove it too, if you'd like."

"…Neji?" Her eyes flutter in confusion.

He brings his gaze down to Tenten's slightly parted mouth, and gently raises her chin. "Neither vanilla nor almonds…"

"Huh?" is all she can breathe out. The fluttering stops.

"…will make your lips feel any better."

"W-Why's that?" Her eyes unconsciously close.

He leans in—

"Because your lips can only feel better with _mine_."

—and proves it this time.

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><p>— Lips<p> 


	2. II

"Go out with me."

A sigh. "No."

"Why not?"

"I'm busy."

"But this is important." A grumble.

Another sigh. "Well, so is this."

"_Tenten._" A glare.

"What?_"_

"You're peeling apples."

"_Skinning_ them actually," she corrects. With a sharp knife, she continues to butcher the already naked fruit in her hands.

"Tenten."

"What," she answers flatly.

"Let's do it."

"Neji, _please._" The brunette drops her shoulders tediously. "_Stop_."

"Why?"

"I told you, I'm _busy_." She gets another apple.

The male folds his arms, determined to change her mind. "Tenten, it doesn't feel good anymore."

The female groans. Here it comes.

"It's been bothering me since last month."

"_Neji_." She shoots him a flat look.

He ignores it. "I didn't think it was a big deal though."

"Neji, _stop_." The annoyance within her voice is now evident.

"But it's really beginning to irk me."

She throws her knife to the floor and exhales sharply.

"It's been affecting my daily life."

Tenten clicks her tongue in annoyance.

"For example, when I'm showering…"

Just how many times has she heard this speech this week?

"It feels strange."

She blinks, still waiting for the monologue to end.

"And whenever we're training…"

Can somebody make this man disappear please?

"It distracts me."

Sighing once more, Tenten steps toward her bed and takes a comfortable seat.

"I don't mind the length too much…"

Neji watches her silently.

"It's just the overall feeling of it…"

An obscure look unravels upon his face.

"Also, because I'm a guy…"

She tilts her head back and stares blankly at the white ceiling.

"It's a bit awkward for me…"

She begins to count imaginary sheep.

"To ask another guy for this kind of help…"

1 sheep…2 sheep…3 sheep…

"You're a girl…"

It's too noisy to continue counting.

"So I thought you could help."

Tenten puts her hands over her face in frustration.

"Asking any other girl would be pointless…"

Her cheeks burn as the impatience within her chest multiplies.

"Cause you're the only one with…"

The volcano deep inside of her threatens to explode.

"And therefore understand my condition the best…"

It's on the verge of erupting.

"Unless…" He pauses. "Maybe I can ask Kurenai-san."

Tenten brings her attention back to her teammate. "Neji."

"What?"

"She's pregnant," she informs.

"Oh."

"I doubt she could help you right now."

Neji grimaces. "Then…who else can I ask?"

Tenten sighs exasperatedly. "Fine."

The male casts a sideways glance. "Tenten?"

"I'm the only choice, aren't I?"

Neji breathes a sigh of relief. "So…you'll help me?"

"I guess." Tenten descends from her bed. "But remember, this is the _last_ time."

"Thank you," he says. "I know you're tired—"

"Yeah, yeah." She opens her drawer and retrieves a tiny purse-like pouch. "What flavor?"

"I don't know." Neji contemplates for a moment. "Which one do you recommend?"

Tenten scratches her head. "Apple."

"Why am I not surprised?" He smirks, eying the two apples sitting on her bedroom's coffee table. "Ready?"

"Yes."

And so, to save the physical condition of Neji's beloved _hair_, the two innocent teens leave Tenten's bedroom, _go out_ her house's front door, and to the closest convenience store for apple shampoo specifically formulated for long, dark, wavy types.

But I'm sure all of you knew this without that unnecessary explanation.

Smartass Reader: Wait… that still doesn't explain why he was in her _bedroom_.

Stfu: Hi, do you wanna end up like those skinned apples?

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><p>— Hair<p> 


	3. III

On a particular afternoon, after hours of incessant sparring, two sweating shinobi decide to take a fifteen minute break, and relax under a shady tree. One immediately begins his daily meditation, while the other rests next to him—admiring him from head to toe, focusing especially on his hands.

They allow themselves to immerse in comfortable silence, enjoying the cool wind that ever so often visits with just the right breeze. That is, until one of them comes up with a brilliant plan, and says to the other, "Give me your hand."

"No," is the immediate reply.

"Do it."

"I'm meditating."

"Give. Me."

He blinks.

"Your. Hand."

He shakes his head.

"Just give me your hand!"

He subtly moves further away from her.

"Neji, come back here and give it to me!" she shrieks, crawling on all fours toward the escaping male. "I can tell your future!"

"_What?_"

"I can tell your _fate_."

He grunts.

"I can tell your _destiny_."

He twitches.

"Neji!"

"…Can you really?"

"Yes."

"How?"

"Give me your hand and I'll show you."

"…" He reluctantly places his hand into her awaiting one.

"Alright," she announces, shifting into an incredibly serious expression. Neji watches his teammate inhale a massive breath, hold it for a long moment, and then finally scream, "Palm Reading no Jutsu!"

Beginning to grow intrigued at his teammate's new ability, Neji observes with unblinking eyes as the girl sketches jagged lines on his pale palm. It feels a bit tingly, as if an enormous amount of chakra were bursting out of his veins. Surprisingly though, there is no sign of a glowing blue, or any color for all that matter.

"Oh, no," he hears Tenten murmur mournfully. "No, no, no."

He waits curiously.

"Neji, you're going to die."

"What," he says blankly.

She sighs. "An agonizing, depressing, gruesome death."

"…When?"

"Very, very soon."

He scowls. "That's absurd."

"But it's true." Tenten displays a remorseful look as she continues to study Neji's right hand. "In a few minutes, you're going to resume your training session. And when you least expect it…" She pauses for suspense. "Two shuriken will come flying out of nowhere, and cut your arms right off!"

"Really," he says monotonously, unconvinced.

"Yeah." Tenten presses her lips together as her finger continues dancing across his palm, determined to persuade him. "You're gonna suffer from heavy blood loss, and then…" She searches frantically through her imagination. "As a trustworthy comrade, I'll be there to bring you to a medic nin and all that good stuff, only to be informed by Tsunade-sama herself that reattaching your limbs will be impossible."

"Again, _absurd_."

As her left forefinger begins to draw more quickly, Tenten slides her right hand under his for support. "And…as we all know, an armless Hyuuga won't be able to use hand techniques like Eight Divination Signs, Sixty-Four Palms of the Hand, and therefore, will eventually be deemed weak and useless."

Neji narrows his eyes as his ego takes a harsh blow.

"And then, when Hiashi-san finds out, he'll be extremely disappointed in you, and remove you from the clan entirely, and refuse to pay for any medical bills or prescriptions, leaving you to die helpless in the hospital," Tenten recites as her fingers gradually stop moving.

"I see," Neji says flatly. "Are you done?"

"No!" She bites the inside of her cheek. "Uh, you see…after every prognostication, you're supposed to join hands with your palm reader for a good ten minutes, without involving any other side activities, to ensure the most accurate results."

He raises a suspicious eyebrow. "So, if I hold your hand, my arms will be sliced off with more precision?"

Tenten opens her mouth, dumbfounded. "Wait, no—I didn't mean it like that." She flashes her insightful teammate a sheepish smile. "It's just…the longer you hold my hand, the later you'll continue your training, and therefore, the more time you allot yourself before dying alone in a cold hospital."

"Alone?" His gaze flickers. "I assumed that my trustworthy comrade would be sitting beside my deathbed till I die."

"Uh—I…" She struggles, and instinctively looks down, eyes immediately travelling to the sight of Neji's pale hand still firmly placed on her own. "I was just…hypothetically speaking…"

"Of course." Neji nods solemnly, suppressing a big, fat smirk. "So, what do you suggest that I do during my last moments, Tenten?"

"Well," she improvises, "perhaps…if you discontinue today's training session, you'll dodge the shuriken, and avoid becoming disarmed, as well as, uh—maybe…death itself."

"I see…" The corners of his lips alight in amusement. "Alright, let's do that."

"Huh?" Her head shoots up. "We're really…skipping training today?"

Neji gives her a strange look. "Would you prefer to watch me die?"

"No, of course not!" Tenten exclaims automatically at the misunderstanding. "I just…" Her voice trails off as she grows self-conscious of the streak of embarrassment devouring her cheeks. "Never mind."

And so, the two shinobi return to their previous state of pleasant stillness, seated side by side, hand in hand, against a tree trunk, indulging in the humorous misconceptions that a mere palm reading session created. One is again concentrated in an intense meditating exercise, while the other rests her head on the other's shoulder—dreaming about him from head to toe, focusing especially on his hands.

Once the one awake ascertains that the other is fast asleep, he murmurs, "If you wanted to skip training, you could've just said so." Soon, the other smiles in her slumber, applauding her brilliant plan, which was devised with only one goal in mind: to hold Neji's hand.

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><p>— Hand<p> 


End file.
